Thursday, July 5, 2007

So, how am I doing?

I’m getting used to the phone calls and emails, expressing concern and asking how I’m feeling. To my surprise, I rather like it! It’s not that I ever wanted to shut people out, but attention tends to make me uncomfortable. Now, attention simply comes with the territory, and I like the contact. I like feeling connected.

People are curious, “How are you feeling?”

In order to answer them, I look inside, “How am I feeling?”

And because the terrain is so unfamiliar, I’m never quite sure how to interpret the results.

So today… I’m feeling down, a bit lethargic. My joints ache. The top of my head is sensitive. I have a slight headache, sore gums, and a metallic taste in my mouth. Is any of that relevant? Is it coming from the disease I’m fighting, or from the drugs that have it under siege? Maybe it’s the muggy weather. Or perhaps I can chalk it up to any of a ton of environmental factors.

Could anyone but my doctor be interested in such a laundry list? Am I sick of observing such minutiae myself?

I’m used to taking my emotional temperature. I’m a New Yorker, after all, a lifetime resident in the land of psychotherapy and self-examination. But this is getting ridiculous.

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