Drugs

The last few days have been more misery for me.

When I reported how much pain I was in, the doctor recommended I replace my anti-inflammatories with yet more narcotics. She gave me a prescription for a drug called MSIR; that’s Morphine Sulfate Immediate Release. I’ve been taking MSIR for about a week, and the pain didn’t seem any less. The more I took, the groggier I got, so I limited myself to one pill a day. Walking became more of a chore. I was exhausted, achy, and less and less able to function. But at least on one pill a day I was able to stay awake for six to eight hours at a stretch.

I was scared.

This evening, before my first nap of the day, I took two Advil. When I woke an hour later, my pain was greatly diminished and my head a whole lot clearer! What a relief to make this discovery. I knew I was reacting badly to the morphine, but I didn’t realize the extent to which it was robbing me of my vitality.

In a conversation with my ex earlier today he recommended that I not drive. He was concerned that my reflexes and reaction times were slow and that I was a danger to myself and others. Although upsetting, I had to agree with him. He offered to drive me to the train station for my doctor’s appointment in the morning and I sadly agreed to the arrangement. Post-nap, I now feel that my head is clear enough that by morning I’ll be able to drive myself!

I will, of course, discuss all this with my doctor. And I plan to stay away from morphine!

Side effects

Last week my chemotherapy-fuzzied brain confused the dates and I told several people that I was having treatment on Wednesday. It was actually scheduled for today. But when I got into the examining room after my blood work, my doctor told me there’d be no treatment today either; my platelets were too low.

“It’s totally to be expected, a result of the Carboplatin;” which is one of the drugs I got three weeks ago. “You’ll be fine next week,” she said, “so we’ll reschedule you for then.”

We still had a chance to talk about how I’ve been feeling, and frankly, I’ve been feeling pretty lousy.

I’ve had a lot of back pain due to the bone metastases visible on my last scan. There’s also pain in my upper arms and thighs. The pain isn’t terrible by itself, but it’s enough to wake me at least two or three times a night. Whether I get back to sleep right away or not, the interruptions ensure that by morning I don’t feel rested.

I’ve been controlling the pain with pills; initially with Advil, which is pretty good but doesn’t last very long, and then with Naprosyn, which lasts longer but isn’t as effective. She prescribed a 72-hour pain patch that I’ll start using tonight. I should see results in about a day.

Once I’m not dealing with pain all the time, I’ll get better sleep and hopefully have more energy and better appetite. I knew I had lost a few pounds since my first treatment three weeks ago, but was surprised to find that it was a loss of seven pounds, not the two or three I expected.

This back pain, by the way, is a most distressing development. It’s the first time I’ve seen symptoms of disease, rather than simply side effects of harsh drugs. Whenever I become aware of the pain, I’m reminded of its etiology and I get ever more bummed. So maybe the patch will allow me to go longer periods without wondering where this is all headed.

Travelling

It’s Monday morning and I’m preparing to leave Toledo. I’m here for an annual geek gathering I’ve attended for at least the past five years. It’s a small event, about 30-40 people, who write books and articles and make presentations at conferences all over the world. These are the movers and shakers who inhabit the computer niche I’m most familiar with. Many of us are independent software developers who initially sought out technical camaraderie online and quickly became the online go-to group for peer technical support. We have since met at conferences and other events, and established important friendships in the real world.

As usual, it’s been great getting together with people I have a long history with and with whom I share an esoteric interest in software technologies. This mixed group of Visual FoxPro specialists recognizes accomplishment above most other characteristics. As a woman, I encountered some subtle gender bias in the business community at large that I never experienced in this group. Here, we recognize each other’s capabilities and contributions, and tend to ignore those characteristics that can’t be changed.

Much as I anticipated this event and the invaluable networking opportunities it provides, getting here and being away from home for four days is still not that easy for me. I don’t have a lot of energy to spare and travelling quickly eats it up. I feel like I’m not contributing my fair share, and in fact can’t think what that contribution might be; it just doesn’t come naturally, as it has in the past. In short, I feel guilty about imposing my low energy on the group. I mentioned this to one of my friends. “It’s not noticeable,” she said. “It’s inside you. People are just glad to have you here.”

But then she remembered from her own course of chemotherapy several years ago, “What’s even worse than the low energy is the low emotional energy, the feeling of detachment.”

So maybe it’s not noticeable, but it certainly is real. I was surprised to hear her say that, and relieved in a way. I don’t like feeling this way. It helps to know that it’s related to the drugs and that there’s hope I may recapture my zest and sense of belonging at some point.

Bottom line for me right now is that I’ve been away from home since last Thursday and I’m ready to be back in familiar surroundings.