Monday, June 11, 2007

I hate blogs


In a recent New York Magazine interview, Tina Brown, former Vanity Fair editor, characterizes them as having “too much voice”. Precisely my feelings: more personal interjection than necessary or relevant. Why would I want to involve myself in the most personal details of some stranger’s life? And by extension, who would be interested in the ickiness of mine? What sort of morbid curiosity drives a person to even show up and look? (Although admittedly, I’ve peeked where I wasn’t invited on occasion…) How could I share the most intimate parts of me with an unknown audience, the parts of me I might not want to look at myself? Is this a way to force me to own up? Is this what writers go through in getting their musings into hardcopy?

I’ve been writing in my head for years. Maybe blogging is a way to organize and make sense and yes, share with others. There are people who care about me; I know that. Maybe they want to know and don’t know how to ask. Maybe I want them to know but don’t want to endure endless repetition. Can I share my news without dissolving into emotionality? Will my terror terrify, make others want to run from me? Will my dispassionate moments prove even scarier for those who wonder why I’m not falling apart?

Can I keep straight who I told what and when? Can I control how they interpret my words… or lack of them? Is there discomfort for the listener hearing the same thing more than once? And what if I forget to tell a crucial point to a crucial person? They’re then left with their own speculations and worries and wonderings.

And to top it all off, there’s the confusion. I just don’t know enough about what’s happening to provide an accurate description. There’s a big dark cloud in the space where I’m supposed to have a plan of action.

Maybe posting will provide a way to communicate. And some uniformity to what gets said. It’s not a substitute for real contact, but could be a jumping off point to just that.

I’m sure there are others out there too who I’ve never met who may never have heard of me but might find their way to these pages. There are undoubtedly people going through similar ordeals looking for outside confirmation about their own thoughts. People who want to know what they can expect when or if they find themselves facing these issues. There are caregivers and patients, devoted friends and family members, estranged parties who simply don’t know how to integrate the bad news or re-establish contact, people with various degrees of involvement who want to know how much or how little to intrude or to help.

So maybe this is a good time to start blogging, to get the dialog started.

I just found out, my cancer has returned.

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